World’s Oldest Man Dies at 54

“Studies continue to show rising happiness trends after the passing of the world’s oldest man at the age of 54. The death rate from the cancer that resulted from all of the nuclear fallout has finally leveled off with an average life expectancy of 42. Something not seen practically since Rome was in power. We are going now live in the field to reporter Robert Jones who is at his funeral to ask people about this startling trend. Jones?”

“Thanks Steve. There’s a pretty good party going at the funeral. His family is mourning inside, but the rest of us are recognizing a life well lived and ended not long after his prime. I’m here with a fellow celebrator. Sir, how do you feel about the trending happiness despite the atrocious life expectancy?”

“Well Jones, it’s been a long known fact that countries with lower life expectancies were happier even before WWIII. Now that most people won’t reach fifty so much of the pressure is off.”

“What do you mean the pressure is off?”

“You see Jones, before the war people would spend decades of their lives figuring out what to do and hunting down the perfect person. Now the average person has a job that they enjoy before the age of fifteen because the economy can’t support extended periods of unemployment through education, and typically married before 18 because if you want to see your grandkids you better get to it.”

“But aren’t people afraid they’ll make the wrong decisions? What about the midlife crisis where people realize they’re not doing what they want with their lives?”

“Jones, people don’t have time to worry about that sort of thing anymore. All they have to worry about are providing for their loved ones and coming home to a family who supports them. All the rest is just too much to be getting on with.”

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