Tag Archives: Apocalypse

Everyone on earth who has had sex in the last five years dies. The remainder inherit the earth.

“Dude, don’t forget the Mentos, we can use those to make bombs.” I the elementary schooler in charge of rounding up the remaining candy at the Toy store. It was the first toy raid that Tommy allowed me to supervise. Tommy was a twenty something who said he had come back ‘from beyond the veil’, to save us once all the other adults had died. Most of the high schoolers, especially the high school girls, had died too.

“Board game section pillaged sir, they had the new settlers of catan expansion.” Another elementary schooler reported.

“Excellent, Tommy loves those games. He will be most pleased.” I tossed the kid a snickers bar as a reward.

“We need to make sure spirits are as high as possible tonight. We’re going to TP the girl’s camp tonight, and we lost three men to the spit wad catapults last time.” That reminded me. “Timothy!” I shouted to the kid who was pilfering costumes over in the toy section. “Be sure and get as much body armor as possible, and make it quick, we don’t want to get caught by the wizards.” I had never met the wizards, but Tommy assured me they existed.

They were men who hadn’t been taken. Men with long robes who kidnapped and ate little boys who took too long gathering supplies.

We heard a distant rumbling on the wind. “The wizards are coming!” I shouted. “Everybody drop what you’re doing and run for it!” Items clattered to the floor as the little vagrants dashed for the door. The little kid in charge of the candy foolishly decided to attempt to make off with all his ill gotten goods.

The rumbling grew louder as they reached the door, and the lad with the candy began to lag behind. The others didn’t notice until they were several blocks away. By then, it was too late.

“Oh look Brother Matt, it’s another group of wandering orphans. Shall we see if they need anything?” Brother Stephen asked me.

“No Brother Stephen, they look like they don’t particularly want to talk to us. On second thought, that slow one looks like he’s taken only candy from that store. I’ll bet he’s got frightfully bad cavities. We better bring him back to the abby and see to his teeth.”

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World’s Oldest Man Dies at 54

“Studies continue to show rising happiness trends after the passing of the world’s oldest man at the age of 54. The death rate from the cancer that resulted from all of the nuclear fallout has finally leveled off with an average life expectancy of 42. Something not seen practically since Rome was in power. We are going now live in the field to reporter Robert Jones who is at his funeral to ask people about this startling trend. Jones?”

“Thanks Steve. There’s a pretty good party going at the funeral. His family is mourning inside, but the rest of us are recognizing a life well lived and ended not long after his prime. I’m here with a fellow celebrator. Sir, how do you feel about the trending happiness despite the atrocious life expectancy?”

“Well Jones, it’s been a long known fact that countries with lower life expectancies were happier even before WWIII. Now that most people won’t reach fifty so much of the pressure is off.”

“What do you mean the pressure is off?”

“You see Jones, before the war people would spend decades of their lives figuring out what to do and hunting down the perfect person. Now the average person has a job that they enjoy before the age of fifteen because the economy can’t support extended periods of unemployment through education, and typically married before 18 because if you want to see your grandkids you better get to it.”

“But aren’t people afraid they’ll make the wrong decisions? What about the midlife crisis where people realize they’re not doing what they want with their lives?”

“Jones, people don’t have time to worry about that sort of thing anymore. All they have to worry about are providing for their loved ones and coming home to a family who supports them. All the rest is just too much to be getting on with.”

Last men standing

“Don’t shoot!” He calls out from behind the car. I had put a bullet through his windshield with my hunting rifle to let him know I meant business. It had been months since I’d seen a robber, but I was not going to lose another generator to carelessness.

“I’m going to come out now. I’ve left all of my weapons in the car, and I’m going to come out slowly.” He slowly rises with his hands raised above his head. I put another bullet through the passenger window. He doesn’t even flinch. He finishes standing up, and slowly walks over to me.

I put another bullet in the ground. I was not getting robbed again. I could no longer see properly out of my left eye because of bandits. He still doesn’t flinch. He just keeps walking towards me with his hands up until my gun is touching his forehead.

“If you’re not going to trust me you might as well end this right now, because I think we’re the last ones. I haven’t seen another soul in two years. Even if they exist we’re not going to find them.” I consider doing it. I consider giving that trigger a squeeze. How do I know this guy isn’t going to make himself the last man on earth when I go to bed?

Then again, if he does, I think he will have suffered the worse fate. I lower my rifle, open the chamber, drop the mag, and flip the safety on.

“Good.” He says. “Because I’ve also got the world’s last xbox in my car, and there are a whole lot of co-op games I’ve stockpiled.”

Humanity is defended from invasion by a secret force

“Where did that giant rock come from?” I asked my friend. The flying saucer had been settling over the white house, and had been powering up some giant glowing weapon, when a large rock had sailed up and struck the device. The rock had done enough damage to power down the device.

“Look, on the horizon, something’s coming.” My friend points at a group of flying things coming from the north. I squint, they’re far away, but as they get closer I can make out the shapes of large birds. They must’ve escaped from the zoo, and there were thousands of them! Bald eagles, cranes, hawks, geese, even ducks, and they weren’t coming alone. Most of them were carrying small mammals and reptiles. Little snakes, poisonous lizards, small monkeys, even rabbits of all things.

In one giant flock they fly up into the center of the UFO. The small monkeys form a chain that extends down to the roof of the white house where slightly larger monkeys are ready to scurry up this ladder. These make a chain of larger monkeys, which then allows even larger still monkeys to climb up. Eventually there are multiple chains of gorillas that lions and tigers begin ascending.

I can see they’re wreaking havoc from the inside of the ship. Lights begin to blink off, windows get blown out, and the thing begins to tilt. There’s a mass exodus of wildlife, and then the ship crashes into the white house.

It’s a fantastic sight, but I can’t help but wonder, where did the boulder come from?

“Every planet with life has a dominant sentient race.” A deep booming voice to my left says. I fall over by the sudden sound, and I see that I’m talking to a tree. “You have not been the kindest of masters, but you’ve been good to us overall, and those monsters.” It points a branch at the UFO. “Have devoured countless worlds. If you will stand with us, we can stand against them, united as a planet.”

The last french fry

“Alright, you guys have twenty minutes to grab any souvenirs of civilization before we pack it out of here. They’ll be coming soon and we need to be gone when they do.” My bug out crew had made a decision to come back. We had all met at the agreed upon panic location when the bombs had started going off. Thousands of nuclear bombs made in secret under false pretense had been distributed by a very sophisticated group.

The one in this mall had been disarmed by some off duty navy SEAL explosive technician. It was a lucky twist of fate that left one of the only standing monuments to western culture in a hundred miles. My crew had heard about in on the radio on our way out. It was currently being swarmed over by scavengers, but if you carried enough guns and went in packs, the bad ones would leave you alone.

I buddied up with my childhood friend Eric. Him and me had been hanging out since middle school, almost ten years now. So many nights staying up late talking about life. So many adventures out into the wilderness. It was there we had met the people who would eventually become our bug out crew. Yeah, me and Eric had a lot of good memories. It was fitting we would get to share our last memory of what life was like before the fall together.

“So where do you want to go mate?” He asks me. The mall’s big, so we only really have time to hit one last location. I’m glad he’s given me the choice. I know exactly where should go.

“The burger joint on the north end.” Eric nods approvingly. Every time we had stayed up late, or headed out on an adventure, we had stopped here for food. Every time we came Eric always got the fries, and I got the onion rings. It had been a friendly game for us. Each of us swearing that we had made the best choice, and each of us refusing to taste the others dish as a matter of pride. We would have time for one last meal before the apocalypse closed in around us.

We break into the kitchen to find it’s picked clean, except for one french fry and one onion ring sitting next to the frier. They’re a little mushed, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Eric picks up the onion ring and gives it a whiff. “To memories” He says. I pick up the french fry and answer his toast.

“To memories.” I say, and we take our last bite of civilization together.

Who gets to survive the apocalypse?

“So we’ve ruled out anyone who has a disease that will be longer treatable after the collapse, anyone too old or too young to reproduce effectively, that leaves us with a bunch of people between the ages of 18-35. Anyone care to narrow it down a bit more? Come on now, don’t be shy.” The head scientist said to the group of his colleagues that he had assembled.

There were many different representatives from many different fields. There were the biologists and psychologists of course, as well as the philosophers and economists. The historians had insisted on sending a representative, and of course there were the doctors. Numerous other fields had requested to be present for this occasion, but the psychologists had pointed out that too many different opinions would prevent anything from getting done, so the selection had been made from these five.

The head scientist, a biologist, sat down, and gestured to the economist to have a stab.

“We must rule out anyone who doesn’t believe in small government.” He said. “There will be no government to support the people, so they must fend for themselves. We will look at voting records and rule out anyone who hasn’t consistently voted for the decreased size of government.

“Even if we accepted that as a plausible screening criteria, and even if we someone violated the privacy of billions to find out that information, historically it won’t work out.” The history professor said. “Whenever you separate people out a group of people based on a political belief, they tend to start a war with the people of the opposite belief. You can’t really think the world will accept a political agenda as a means to decipher survivability. As soon as word gets out, and it will, there’ll be a public outcry and the whole program will collapse on itself.”

“Alright, no political beliefs then.” The biologist said. “What else?”

“How about IQ or mental stability screens?” The psychologist put in. “Surely we should be saving the smartest and most secure people in order to rebuild civilization.”

“I agree.” The biologist put in. “Can we get a two thirds majority on the matter?”

“You have my vote.” The historian put in.

“And mine.” The economist added. All heads swiveled to the philosopher.

“Well, what have you got to say?” The biologist asked. “We have a majority, but if you’d like to say something for the record we’d be happy to hear it.”

“Did you know.” The philosopher said. “That there are routinely young men and women who IQs in excess of 150 who never make it to college? That puts them in the upper 1% of intelligence on this planet. They typically suffer no mental illness, and are reasonable physical condition. Can any of you tell me why this happens?” There was no reply.

“Because they had no motivation to.” The philosopher said. “Intelligence and physical fitness may be the engine which drives the human person forward, but motivation is the fuel. If someone has no reason to survive, because they have no friend, or family, or loved ones of any sort, then they will no doubt do what they are currently doing, sitting at home watching television, watching their lives slip away. If you really want to survive, you need a reasons to live, and those reasons must take the form of people. I propose you select those who care deeply for each their fellow man. This is a difficult task because you can’t measure it directly, but my friends the biologist and the psychologist can no doubt come up with a list of persons so equipped?”

The psychologist and the biologist looked at each other. “I think we will look at neurotransmitters in the blood, and screen for people with high levels of oxytocin.” The biologist said.

“And I say we start by examining newly weds, and those with young children.” The psychologist said.

“Any objections?” The philosopher asked. There were none

Apocalypse cancelled

“Scientists are now reporting they did the calculations in English instead of metric. We actually have another twenty thousand years to live.” The news report had come in at 12:07, seven minutes after the world was supposed to end.

No government had survived the ensuing chaos. Every last politician had defaced themselves beyond repair, those that weren’t lynched and hung that is, and the militaries of the world had taken the opportunity to fire every last round of non-nuclear ammunition that they had. After all, the world was supposed to go out with a bang right?

The world had now divided into three factions, the people who had lost everything, the people who had. prepared properly because they knew it wouldn’t, and the people who had gotten all the money and resources from the people who had panicked.

The scientists and religious which made up the second group were an odd mix. There were skeptical scientists who had done the math themselves, and realized they weren’t going to die, and the very religious who had either not partied relentlessly, or had known through some religious dogma they would be fine. These two groups now found themselves working closely together as they were the protagonists of the post-apocalyptic world.

The victims of the apocalypse were those that had committed horrible crimes, or had squandered their wealth needlessly. Most of the world was penniless, or on the run from the families of those they had killed or robbed. Mostly penniless though, so much food and gas had been depleted in the final hours, and the people had been shuffled all over going to their dream vacation spots to die. People woke up in countries they did not know the language of, and no way to get home. Borders meant nothing anymore, no remained inside the countries to enforce the borders, since they were now scattered and broke.

Which left the winners of the fake apocalypse, those that now finding themselves drunk with power and stuffed to bursting with ill-gotten gains. It was the gangs, the hardened criminals, and the shrewd couple of businesses who had wagered the world would not end. The gangs had banded together to protect themselves from last minute police or opposing gang retaliations. The hardened criminals had all sprung from jail, and spent the night amassing stockpiles of everything they had missed, and the businessmen had made highly illegal deals to consolidate the world’s power.

They formed a hierarchy, the businesses contacting the gangs to enforce their new laws, and the gangs hiring the criminals for their resources and illegal knowledge. The businesses spread outward, bringing more and more gangs under their belt, and utilizing their company resources to spread far and wide. A burger chain took the east coast of the United States by storm. A famous rapper dominated the west coast, and the middle was controlled by a mess of smaller steakhouses and land owners.

Smaller island nations like Japan, Iceland, and New Zealand were taken over by an airliner who used their fleet to land gangs at key supply points to control the flow of resources. Australia’s inhabitants had all either died or gone into the bush. Africa was overrun with medical corporations. The middle east was taken by oil. Some small business owner who had gotten hold of nuclear weapons was now running India. Cartels ran Central and South America, and Europe had splintered into hundreds of small warring states.

The Vatican gathered to it all the world’s scientists and religious leaders, using its influence, and the Swiss guards, to control Italy. They rallied to the call of any people who could reach them to call for help. They invented new planes and boats for rapid international travel, and new crops for food distribution. The religious institutions used their experience in aid delivery around the world to make sure the supplies got into the right hands, and the scientists saw they had the means to deliver them.

It is now a slow battle with the church and scientific community fighting inch by inch to take back civilization. They pray every night before they sleep that the smaller disjointed corporate states do not band together and wipe them out.