Tag Archives: Aliens

An expedition stumbles upon an ancient group of humanoid aliens

As soon as we stepped off the Appalachian trail into the forgotten village, we were swept away by the elder. He had seven eyes and three arms, and called us each by name. The strange man gathered his people to us, and told us of their story.

We took many pictures, and if there had been cell signal, we would’ve called all our friends and colleagues immediately. This was the find of the millennium!

After being regaled by the alien village elder he took us aside one by one into his lodgings, and whenever one of us emerged we wore an expression of utter awe and peace with the world.

When it was my turn to enter into the sacred lodge I was frightened, but I had no need to worry. The village elder told me everything I knew, laid my own life story before me, and told me how it would end. He spoke of my future spouse and children. He told me that my past transgressions against my fellow man were small, and were far outweighed by my contributions.

Hours seemed to pass in that lodge, but when I had emerged a mere fifteen minutes had transpired, and I too wore an expression of peace with the world.

There was food and celebration, and when the sun began to set the villagers urged us on our way. No wanting to displease these marvelous beings, and eager to report their whereabouts, we departed.

At the outskirts of the village the elder stopped to speak with me a moment.

“My son, once you have lost sight of our village you will forget it ever existed. Every picture you took will show only shrubbery, and every face that you remember will seem to be just a tree. We live a peaceful existence and cannot have our secret spoiled, but you shall carry with you, now and always, the serenity you now feel.” I was taken aback.

“Thank you friend for your gift of serenity, but how can your secret survive? Surely someone will come through here eventually.” The elder grinned knowingly.

“My son, this is New Jersey. We’ve worked many centuries to insure that no one wants to come here. Did you not see the Jersey Shore? My name is Snooki, and I bid thee farewell.”

Edit: i have been to new jersey several times, and know a few friends from there. It is a perfectly nice place IMO, but i just couldn’t resist taking a crack :).

A suspicious skype call

“Hey Sam.” I told my skype buddy from ‘Australia’. “I think something is wrong with your screen.”

“What do you mean Bill?” He said innocently, pretending like nothing was going on.

“It just, um, it just flickered you know? The window. It was like a desert mirage for a second and I thought I saw something on the other side.”

“On no.” Bill said. “I’m sure it’s nothing, firewall messing with the output or something. You can never be to careful with bacteria these days.”

“You mean viruses?” I ask.

“Yes, right, viruses, of course, always ramming the hard drive.” Ramming the hard drive? Was that Australian slang for something?

“Sure, yeah, all the time, ramming the hard drive. Really causes problems with the…..output. Anyway, did you see the football game?” I asked my skype buddy Sam.

“Oh yes, American football, the Pittsburgh metallurgists against the Green Bay cheese fanatics.” He said matter of factly. “Surely the steel shall prevail over dairy.”

“What? That was four years ago. I was talking about the upcoming one, the patriots versus the seahawks.” Sam looked frantically at his screen, scrolling frantically.

“Time distortion offset needs recalibrating.” He muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” I asked. Sam was starting to go off the deep end.

“Nothing, nothing, I was just going to comment that waterfowl will have great difficulty prevailing against men who are armed with the modern musket.” *Modern musket? I don’t think anyone has fired a musket in anger in almost two centuries. Also, I knew people could get caught up in the mascots, but it really seemed like Sam thought there were going to be a bunch of Seahawks facing off against a group of patriots.

“Hey Sam, do you think the muskets are going to be custom made with smaller caliber rounds? I mean the ball size seems a bit excessive for taking down a bird of that size.” Sam did not miss a beat when he agreed with me.

“For sure, for sure, one could hunt bears in the frontier with those weapons. I would wager they would decrease the caliber by half at least, if not a quarter. That way they could carry more ammunition.” Something is most definitely wrong with Sam.

“Sam, what year is it?” I asked.

“You mean right now?” He returned.

“Yes Sam, right now, what is the year.” I said calmly and measuredly.

“Uh, well you know I’m not sure how to convert the number from metric to English, and have you opted for the Gregorian calendar?” Sam replied.

“Okay Sam, what’s going on. It’s pretty clear you have no idea what American football is, or even what the year is. Now I like talking with you buddy, but you need to level with me.” I folded my arms and waited.

“Well, if you must know.” Sam flipped a switch I couldn’t see and suddenly his screen was occupied not by another man like me, but by what appeared to be a stereotypical green, bug eyed, antenna eared alien.

“I’m sorry you had to figure out Bill.” Sam said. I was so busy trying not to swallow my tongue I almost didn’t hear him. “I should’ve checked the local events in your year and place before answering the call.”

“Forget that, what are you and why are you doing this?” I demanded.

“I’m from your neighboring star system, Ceti Alpha V, you would call me an alien, and as for the reason.” Sam sighed.

“Is it research?” I asked.

“No.” the creature that was Sam sighed.

“Is it for entertainment?” I asked.

“No.” Sam said

“Is it for interstellar politics?” I asked.

“No.” Sam said for the third time.

“What then?” I asked.

“I just wanted a friend Bill.” Sam is staring down at his keyboard and picking at one of the keys so he doesn’t have to make eye contact. “It gets lonely over here and I just wanted someone to talk to.”

“Well you can always talk with me Sam.” I told him. “Just don’t say anything too weird while my friends are over okay?”

Aliens offer technology at a great cost

“500 million lives, to be paid thirty days from now.” The aliens stated there terms and would have no negotiation. They did not say what the lives were for, or even what exactly would happen to the people. The deal was set, and they would have no bargaining to alter it.

An emergency council of the UN was convened.

“I can’t believe we’re even considering this.” The representative for China announced. “I know that being so heavily populated my country will bear the greatest share of the burden, and besides that, these are real people we are talking about. We can’t just throw their lives away for technology! They’re worth more than that.”

“I agree.” The Indian representative added in. “We represent about a third of the world’s population and you cannot move forward with this unless you have our consent. We are convinced of this and will not be persuaded otherwise.”

This firm stance from the two eastern representatives seemed insurmountable. The NATO country representatives glanced at each other uneasily. Some wanted this technology, others wanted the human lives to remain as they were, but regardless of their wants, the matter seemed concluded.

“How many people have AIDS right now?” The South African representative asked the assembly. “How many will get AIDS in the next fifty years?” Their was of course, no response to this. “I know in the next decade alone we will lose more than 500 million souls, and most of those are prevented.” The South African representative turned towards the Chinese representative.

“My fellow honorable representative, how many souls would you save if cancer were cured? Would that not alone be worth the cost?”

The Chinese representative shifted uneasily. “Even if it were, who would pay this cost? I cannot believe that many people would willingly sacrifice themselves, and if they don’t what you are talking about is mass genocide on a global scale.”

“Yes.” The South African minister replied. “Yes it would be, and if we cannot gather the volunteers than I suggest we reject the proposal. However, I believe we can obtain the volunteers.”

“How?” The Indian representative asked. “Surely 1 in 14 people in the world are not willing to make that sacrifice.”

“Are you so sure my friend?” The South African representative replied. “How many grandfathers and grandmothers, being not long for this world, would not gladly give themselves up for their offspring’s sake? How many already dying men and women around the world would not give themselves up so that their passing could take on greater meaning. Even if these people could be saved by this technology, how great a gift is it to have one’s death be that of a hero? Would not this event be hailed for generations, nay, millennia to come as an of absolute heroism, and would not all the names of those who committed themselves to this be hailed for the remaining history of mankind as the stewards of a new and glorious era?” The two eastern representatives were considering this now. Their faces were pensive, but they were still on the fence, and needed a final push to sway them.

“Even so.” The South African minister continued. “There is a final thing to consider, some people to go first. Some group needs to stand up and lay their lives down as the leaders in this great sacrifice. I think you already know who I suggest.” The South African representative stood up. “We are the leaders. Our peoples have chosen us. This is our burden.” The lone man looked around the room, his speech concluded, and made eye contact with each country’s chosen representative. One by one, as he gazed at them, they rose to their feet. It took a half an hour for some representatives. Some broke into years. Some fainted and had to be revived. Some made calls to their loved ones, but at the end of the day, every last leader stood up, and volunteered to lay down their lives for their country.

Humanity is defended from invasion by a secret force

“Where did that giant rock come from?” I asked my friend. The flying saucer had been settling over the white house, and had been powering up some giant glowing weapon, when a large rock had sailed up and struck the device. The rock had done enough damage to power down the device.

“Look, on the horizon, something’s coming.” My friend points at a group of flying things coming from the north. I squint, they’re far away, but as they get closer I can make out the shapes of large birds. They must’ve escaped from the zoo, and there were thousands of them! Bald eagles, cranes, hawks, geese, even ducks, and they weren’t coming alone. Most of them were carrying small mammals and reptiles. Little snakes, poisonous lizards, small monkeys, even rabbits of all things.

In one giant flock they fly up into the center of the UFO. The small monkeys form a chain that extends down to the roof of the white house where slightly larger monkeys are ready to scurry up this ladder. These make a chain of larger monkeys, which then allows even larger still monkeys to climb up. Eventually there are multiple chains of gorillas that lions and tigers begin ascending.

I can see they’re wreaking havoc from the inside of the ship. Lights begin to blink off, windows get blown out, and the thing begins to tilt. There’s a mass exodus of wildlife, and then the ship crashes into the white house.

It’s a fantastic sight, but I can’t help but wonder, where did the boulder come from?

“Every planet with life has a dominant sentient race.” A deep booming voice to my left says. I fall over by the sudden sound, and I see that I’m talking to a tree. “You have not been the kindest of masters, but you’ve been good to us overall, and those monsters.” It points a branch at the UFO. “Have devoured countless worlds. If you will stand with us, we can stand against them, united as a planet.”

Jerk aliens

“No, no, no, we said if you want the replicator technology you must get rid of three charities of our choosing.” The head alien told the UN negotiator.

“It isn’t a matter of money, it’s a matter of it being funny to us. Now do you want the power to summon food out of thin air or not?” It was a difficult choice, and no mistake. They had tried electing several different UN negotiators to no avail.

First it had been the politically sound choice. A champion diplomat with a half millennia of international negotiation experience. They had asked him which of his family and friends he was willing to personally sacrifice for advanced laser technology, and after five days of going through his family photos, he had quit.

Second had been the academic choice. A team of scientists and professors had been found from the tops of their professions. The aliens had told them that they must fight to the death to win teleportation tech. One scientist had actually picked up the ornate knives they had offered and made for one of his colleagues. He was removed from the team, and shortly thereafter the team was disbanded.

Third had been the religious choice. The pope, the Dalai Lama, and several other heads of religion were sent to obtain food cloning technology. Each of them was asked to denounce their god, and had promptly refused to continue negotiations, but they did offer to pray for the next negotiator, which was nice of them.

Lastly, the world governments had tried one last unorthodox method in a final attempt to extract some useful information.

“And I’m telling you slimy lot of impudents I won’t even talk about any minging piece of miserable alien tech until I’ve had a chance to see it work!” Gordon Ramsey shouted.

“How am I supposed to know this little artificial chef is any good at cooking? The little blighter probably doesn’t know Cheesecake from the holocaust, and would probably put ketchup on both!”

Sometimes evil needs to be fought with another kind of evil.

On the count of three, everyone switch bodies

An alien visits earth, and reshuffles everyone’s consciousness into different bodies every twenty-four hours.

Giant red floating numbers appear on my eyelids at noon, and decrease from ten to one. The alien said the first jump would be easy. I don’t think any jump would be easy. I’m a towering male body builder. The odds of me getting someone whose better physically fit than me are basically zero. I had called my girlfriend earlier, and we had agree to skype as soon as the switch is made. The alien had instructed everyone to be seated for the change, and I saw several rebellious coworkers forced into sitting positions. Good, at least I won’t find myself on a tight rope or barreling down the highway at 90 miles an hour

2….1… I’m at an office, I’m sitting in a cubicle with a computer on in front of me. There’s a word document open, and my hands are on the keyboard. My vision looks dirty, and there’s something on my face. I reach up and touch my face, glasses. I notice there is a periodic table of elements on the side of my cube, and to my utter amazement I recognize most of the elements. Wow! I must be smart! I found it reassuring to know that you also got the latent knowledge of whoever I was transported to.

I take a look at what I’m writing, and see instructions. ‘You are a research associate at a well known lab. Your job is to perform column chromatography to purify proteins. Today you are running an experiment on ion exchange chromatography to investigate the possibility of a negative capture of the remaining contaminants.

Hmmm, a negative capture, it made sense. The protein was over 90% purity, so some polishing should be all that’s necessary, and we’ve had good yields with ion exchange in the past. I was smart! This was cool. I see he’s got another word file open. I tab over to it to find the printed instructions for what I was to do. I scroll through and notice it’s just like yesterday’s, but we’re investigating a higher salt concentration in the wash step. Was this what science people did all day? Think in really big words that not many people understood, I could get used to this.

Then I remember my girlfriend and open Skype.

“Hey babe.” A female park ranger on the other end says. There’s a forest behind her. I’m lucky she ended up in a park ranger with a good cell phone plan. “Where are you?” She asks. I can clearly see the sign for the park behind her. It isn’t that far from where I lived before the switch

It’s a good question, I check my surroundings. There aren’t any windows. I consider asking someone, but they’re probably just as confused as me. I look back at my computer screen and my new science brain suggests using the internet. A quick google search later I have the answer.

“I’m only about thirty miles south of you.” I feel an itching sensation in my head. What is that? Am I sick? The itching directs me to some paperwork nearby. Oh, it’s my work ethic telling me to get going.

“I’m in a Biology lab sweetie, and I need to get back to work. There’s science to do!” She smiles.

“Okay babe, call me again tonight, and we’ll recap the day.”

“K, ttyl sweetie.” I say. She says goodbye, and I grab the paperwork to head into the lab.

It’s my first time working in an actual lab, or even seeing one. It looks kind of boring. Most of the equipment looks like it belongs in a kitchen, until my science brain shows me how things are linked. This ordinary looking plastic bag holds a solution that has been carefully refined over years. It is used in conjunction with the sand looking substance to pull out a protein from a blend of bacteria. That protein is then used to combat deadly flesh eating bacteria.

I marvel at the intricacies within the brain I’m occupying. It’s so incredibly interconnected. Atomic structures reveal truths about large macromolecules. The large macromolecules in turn perform precise actions dictated by thermodynamic equations. Those thermodynamic equations also apply to the function of the macromolecules, and the macromolecules are impossibly numerous, and all affect each other. This science brain studied a great deal about channel proteins in his graduate school, and I spend an hour just tracing the pathway of the protein and how it interacts with the other proteins.

I leave the day lost in thought, and instinctively drive to my host’s rather nice house. I immediately boot up skype, where my girl tells me about her day.

“It was a blessing and a curse.” She tells me. “On the one hand this body isn’t as good as the one I have.” My girl is/was a model. “But there’s also less need for one. There aren’t many people out here, and the few that come by aren’t interested in my looks. They value the knowledge I have, and we bond over the shared experience of loving nature. Speaking of nature, there’s so much of it here! I spent half the day walking in silence, just listening to the sounds of wind, water, and animals. I’m used to the hustle and bustle of modeling, and this is so serene.” I’m happy for her, and share my day. All in all, it’s a strange experience, but the new way we both have begun to look at the world has made us both happier and more well rounded people.

“I want to thank the owner of this body.” I tell my girl. “But I can’t think of how. The odds of me meeting him again are basically zero.”

“Do what I’m going to do.” My girl says. “Help out their body. Go for a jog or do some workout. Eat healthy, and then leave a note for the next person to help them take care of the body.”

“But what good will that do if he’s never going to get this body back?” I ask.

She shrugs. “Maybe he’ll never know. Maybe he’ll get the body back, but at the very least you’ll know that you’ve passed on the positive experience to someone else.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that.” I say, and I do, going for an extra bracing run, and before I go to bed I use the smart guy’s phone to send him an email that will arrive at 12:01 tomorrow, leaving instructions and information for the next person.

Over the coming months I shift many times. The shifts become increasingly varied, sending me further and further away, to more and more different people. I get to experience other languages, much younger bodies, and much older bodies. I get to be an artist, a politician, a lawyer, a plumber, a doctor, a farmer, and many other jobs. Each job teaches me something different, and I honor their gift with one of my own.

Mostly people do the same things. They either leave strong memories with information, or written messages close to hand. Every day at noon there’s a sort of ceremony that develops where people introduce each other and talk about their own experiences.

Occasionally you get a body with serious problems. A kid with suicide issues, an adult whose homeless, an elderly person who’s terminally ill. For those people all you can do is just leave an extra strong message of encouragement, and make an effort to leave them better than you found them.

Perhaps every 50th shift or so I get to revisit my body, and I’m always delighted with what I find. I’ll have started a book, or my car will be fixed. Sometimes I’ll have job offers from places I did not apply to.

There develops an international sense of brotherhood as well all come to accept that we need to treat ourselves and others with the utmost respect, because the body you harm could be become your own.

Aliens give humans the silent treatment, talk to whales instead

“So we have determined the aliens are not whales themselves yes?” The president asked the secretary of defense.

“Correct mister president. Several flybys have confirmed they are humanoid in nature.” The president had called all the cabinet members together to solve this problem.

“We have also determined that they are as of yet conducting no hostile action toward the whales, nor to any surrounding aquatic or human life.” The secretary of defense continued.

“Then what in the blue blazes are they doing?” The president asked.

“William Shatner hasn’t gone missing has he?” The secretary of state asked.

“No mister secretary, neither has Leonard Nemoy or any other of the original cast. We’re still pinning down the locations of the reboot stars.” The defense secretary said.

“Are they mating with the whales?” The secretary of education asked.

“Arne get out of here!” The president yelled. “You’re not turning this into another meeting about sex education.” The secret service escorted the secretary of education out.

An aid suddenly burst into the room.

“Mister president, we’ve received a communication from the aliens!”

“What?” Every man in the room said.

“Let’s have it, what did they say?”

The aid excitedly looked at his piece of paper.

“They said, please stop sending those loud jets, they’re interfering with the tenth millennial interspecies symphony. We just got the killer whales to stop eating the pilot whales, and we’d like to get started.”