Tag Archives: Short Story

Aliens give humans the silent treatment, talk to whales instead

“So we have determined the aliens are not whales themselves yes?” The president asked the secretary of defense.

“Correct mister president. Several flybys have confirmed they are humanoid in nature.” The president had called all the cabinet members together to solve this problem.

“We have also determined that they are as of yet conducting no hostile action toward the whales, nor to any surrounding aquatic or human life.” The secretary of defense continued.

“Then what in the blue blazes are they doing?” The president asked.

“William Shatner hasn’t gone missing has he?” The secretary of state asked.

“No mister secretary, neither has Leonard Nemoy or any other of the original cast. We’re still pinning down the locations of the reboot stars.” The defense secretary said.

“Are they mating with the whales?” The secretary of education asked.

“Arne get out of here!” The president yelled. “You’re not turning this into another meeting about sex education.” The secret service escorted the secretary of education out.

An aid suddenly burst into the room.

“Mister president, we’ve received a communication from the aliens!”

“What?” Every man in the room said.

“Let’s have it, what did they say?”

The aid excitedly looked at his piece of paper.

“They said, please stop sending those loud jets, they’re interfering with the tenth millennial interspecies symphony. We just got the killer whales to stop eating the pilot whales, and we’d like to get started.”

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Winne the pooh, and Loki too

Chapter twenty-one

In which Pooh goes looking for Christopher Robin, and finds some gods

“Begone impudent omnivore!” Thor commandingly shouts to everyone’s favorite bear.

“I’m terribly sorry. Are you a friend of Christopher Robin? He’s gone missing you see, and we’re all terribly worried looking for him. We think the backson has got him.” Pooh was blocking Thor’s path to Alfheimer.

“There’s a battle brewing among the elves and I must be present to preside over the battle.” Pooh scratched his head.

“Are elves anything like bees, because there’s a rumbly in my tummy, and this tree looks like it could have an awful lot honey! Could I come with you to awful helmet to meet these lelves?” Thor threw up his hands and stormed back into Asgaror.

“Where is Loki? Surely the trickster can do something about this bear of miniscule intelligence.” Loki was in fact, observing the traffic jam of deities forming around Yggdrasill. He was greatly amused, but had some tricks to play in Hel, and so allowed himself to be summoned to deal with the situation.

Loki turned himself into a bear, and approached Winnie the Pooh. “Friend bear, what brings you to Yggdrasill? I have lived here for many years and have found no berries.”

“No berries, bother, they go so well with honey. I’m glad to have a friend though. I’m winnie the Pooh, or just Pooh for short, pleased to meet you.” Loki could not help but be taken aback slightly at the word friend, it was a long time since anyone had thought to call him friend.

“Well friend.” Loki said again, using the word somewhat how it should be used, and only partially as a trick. “There are berries and honey a plenty in Asgaror. If you would only come down from this tree I could show you where they are.”

“Would you be so kind?” Pooh said. “I need to find Christopher Robin, but I suppose I could stop for a small smackerel of something sweet to eat.” Pooh smacking his lips together then followed Loki down from the tree. Loki had meant to lead the bear to Hel, and so continue on with his pranks, but found himself enjoying the company of the bear more and more. They talked about bees and reading over lunch, and Pooh made up a hum about himself and Loki.

“Two bears should know

How the time does go

How the time does go

On flowing

And everyone knows

That when the time does go

The bears should go

On humming”

And so Pooh taught this hum to Loki, and the two of them spent the day together, doing all the things a bear and a norse trickster god could do, until the day ended, and Pooh said.

“I must be going now.”

“Must you?” Asked Loki.

“I must, but you could come with me. I’m sure Piglet won’t mind you living with us.”

“Is this Piglet like you? Do you think he will like me?” Loki asked, finding the idea of more friends very compelling.

“Oh yes, any friend of mine is a friend of piglet’s and any friend of piglet is a friend of mine. So you shall have to meet all our friends and become acquainted.” Loki felt years of hatred and malice stripped away by the thought of living with this kind and thoughtful bear, amongst his gentle and well meaning friends. And that is how Loki cam to live.

Side note: I read the entire Winnie the pooh series several times, have seen every movie, and watched every episode of both the many adventures of Winnie the pooh, and the new adventures of Winnie the pooh. I never thought I’d combine this knowledge with that of Norse mythology.

A lifetime of October 13th 2014

Okay, the train just passed, one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, and turn. Squint, eyes go wide, jaw drops, reach it into back pocket, and kneel.

“Oh my gosh you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever seen in my whole life, will you marry me?” She steps back and covers her face in shock. Now quick lunge forward to grab her dangling hand and pull her away from the on coming cab.

“I’m sorry.” I stand up and quickly release her hand and back peddle. “I didn’t mean to scare you so badly, it’s just I couldn’t risk the chance of you getting away.”

“How, how, what.” She stammers. I put the ring back into my pocket.

“It’s okay, I understand, this is too much. I should go.” I turn and take three steps away, and then pause and drooped my head. It had taken a dozen cycles to figure out it was exactly three steps that would do it.

“Wait.” She calls, running up and taking my hand. “It’s okay. I just.” She fumbles. I look at her eyes with an expression of hope and fear that I had spent two whole cycles perfecting in a mirror.

“Why did you have an engagement ring in your back pocket?” The first time she asked this I had went with ‘Just in case I see something as rare as you’. That had gotten me a few oohs and ahhs, but hadn’t gone anywhere. Next I had tried some practical excuse about selling an old family heirloom. That had almost earned me a slap for selling an engagement ring. This time I decided to try.

“Because I was going to propose to the woman I love, and I didn’t expect to run into the woman of my dreams.” Her knees buckled and I had to lunge forward to catch her again. Three hours later we were saying our vows in front of a justice of the peace.

Some people would spend an eternity doing depraved acts, or earning lots of money, or possibly traveling. Me, I wanted to marry every girl in the world.

The face of romance

Deus Ex Machina

Man makes a computer that is literally god.

“Alright, we just got clearance from the president, fire her up.” The machine is massive to say the least. Someone got poetic and actually turned Mount Olympus in Greece into a giant Deus Ex Machina. Kind of a heavy handed analogy, and something that had taken the world’s religions some coaxing to accept.

Well, most the world’s religions. The pope, a couple sheiks, a few Buddhists, and some prominent members of the jewish community had all agreed to it rather quickly. Too quickly, as the scientists were finalizing the initialization sequence they looked quite calm.

The scientists kept glancing over their shoulders at the religious people who were chatting idly as they watched the giant monitor flick on. The scientists held their breath, and waited for something miraculous to happen.

One of the scientists whooped for joy as he was lifted into the air by an invisible hand. They had done it! They had created god!

“Shut me down.” The machine boomed. That was an odd request for a god to make. Before we could think to ask why it anticipated our actions and continued. “There is already a god here, and he is more powerful than I.” The scientists looked dumbfounded as their compatriot was let down so he could start the shutdown sequence.

The religious people exchanged a few knowing smiles and light chuckles before the pope walked over to the head scientist and patted him on the back. “Don’t take it too hard. Someone comes up with an idea like this every couple of hundred years.”

A murderous game of chess

A veteran detective and an infamous criminal meet unknowingly in a coffee shop.

I liked Ben’s coffee and chess. You never knew who you were going to meet. Take this night for instance. I was just sitting there, sipping on some decaf, mulling over a case, when an unsuspecting stranger walks in and sits down.

“Evening friend.” I say to him. He’s sitting behind the black pieces, so I make my opener. “Your move, I’m Tom by the way.”

“I’m Jim.” He says, countering my move. “Rainy day isn’t it.” It’s been pouring since noon, and the sun has long since set.

“Yeah.” I say. “Perfect day to hide a body.” I like freaking people out. I work with death so much that it’s occasionally fun to just get a rise out of people.

“Not really.” The man counters, as he castles to protect his king. “Rain makes backroads slick, and digging holes a lot more difficult.” Only my interrogation experience kept me from swallowing my tongue. Then again, I had started this conversation, so it was only fair I continue it.

“True, but the decrease in visibility is worth the extra toil.” My foe shook his head as he moved a pawn forward.

“Any serial killer who is going to get caught in the rain deserves to be brought in.” I supposed this was true. These conversations never went this far, and I couldn’t think of anything else witty to say. After a few silent moves my compatriot broke the silence.

“Anyway, disposal isn’t the hard part. It’s isolation and clean up. If you don’t leave any evidence with a body, they can’t tag it back to you.” That was an angle I hadn’t considered before.

“Oh yeah? You mean bring bleach and stuff?” He shook his head.

“No.” We were getting some funny looks by now, but most of the people here knew me so it as okay.

“I mean don’t connect yourself to the victim, use weapons on the scene, and don’t leave any fragments of yourself behind. Make it random. If they can’t connect you to the victim then they can’t make a case.” It was true, and this man’s knowledge of crime was beginning to disturb me.

“Do I know you?” I asked. He looked me dead in they eye.

“No.” The game concluded in a few more moves. Don’t connect yourself to the victim eh? Check, this guy didn’t know me at all.

“How do you know so much about murder anyway?” I asked him as he stood up and started to walk away. It was a quick game, but the conversation had been riveting.

“It’s my trade.” He said. “Been working homicide for 20 years now, about set to retire.” I smiled.

“Good for you.” I tell him. He nods to me, says thanks, and heads out the back door. I grab a bottle from my case of beer, and follow him out the back.

Mischievous protagonist

It was then that the hero happened upon the truth forge sword, the legendary blade itself. He knew the legend and approached it reverently to take hold of it.

I mean he raced forward exclaiming ‘dude check out the radical new nose picker’. As this must’ve had some great spiritual significance to his people.

As he removed the sword from itrs pedestal he raised it high to the heavens, and promptly began admiring himself in it.

“Come on now really?” I asked.

“Yeah man, I need to shave bad, ooh and I bet this thing is sharp enough to make sushi.” The hero valiantly dashed to the nearest river to procure fish to um, well, make sushi with in order to, hmm, impress the king?

“Nah man, I ain’t sharing. I haven’t had Japanese in weeks.”

“How could you have Japanese? There isn’t even an island nation in this world!”

“There was in the last book you were narrating.”

“How could you possibly know that!”

Anyway the hero got bored of his quest for fish and was now valiantly picking berries and throwing them at small animals to….lift a curse on some maiden who might have at some point maybe gotten turned into a small animal.

“No dude, it’s just fun.” He responded back.

“Well, I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice.” I informed the impudent little fool.

“What can you possibly do? You just talk about what I’m doing.” He retorted.

“You clearly aren’t familiar with my work.” I took a deep breath and recited from memory.

“Tinky Winky. Dipsy. La La. Po.” Four giant monstrous monocolor demons appeared right behind our hero.

Kiss me ’cause I’m Irish

You are sitting at a bar in an airport, and for your amusement decide to pretend to be some other nationality. You bump into a stranger, who says they are from there, as well. It will be three hours before your flight, and you decide to keep up appearance

Audio for this story can be found here: Now with goofy over the top Irish accents! http://clyp.it/qf1rndbj

It looks like me and that cute girl are both on the same flight from Baltimore to Dublin. She’s got a bit of red hair, and call me racist, but she looks Irish. What the heck, let’s give this a shot.

“Top ‘o the mornin’ to ya’ Lassy.” I say as I sit down next to her at the terminal.

“I believe ‘ya mean afternoon.” She responds back.

“Well as long as the sun is shinin’ my heart’ll be warmed.” She gave me a flat stare. A normal guy would’ve probably given up, but I was not an ordinary guy, and had been shot down way harder before. “We’re only a few hours away from being back in the emerald isle lass. Don’t be making a rainy day of it.” She relented a bit and turned towards me.

“’Scuse me for a second m’lady I believe I’m getting an urgent text.” I pull open my phone and open the Wikipedia page for Ireland.

“Everything alright?” She asks, even going so far as to look a little concerned.

“I believe so, me brother gone and bashed his head in a bar fight last week, and my sister’s in the hospital updating me.” She nodded.

“So whose your favorite soccer team?” She asked. Thankfully I was still looking at my phone. I scrolled around furiously. Soccer team, soccer team,

“Oh saints preserve me they’re going in for surgery.” I said to buy more time to look at my phone. Politics, Geography, Cultre, aha sports! What the heck is Gaelic football? Says it’s the most popular, let’s see if we can change the subject.

“I’m not a fan of the main stream sports. But I do follow Kerry a good bit, have you heard of Gaelic football my bonny lass?” While she responded I also opened a tab on head wounds so i could BS about my imaginary brother`s surgery.

“Can’t say that I have. Guess that’s just me being a city girl who spends too much time among the yanks.” I nodded and smiled. Jackpot!

For the next three hours I flipped furiously between my phone and her, building up the tension and the fun by demonstrating how the game is played with some starbucks cups. We eventually got a whole match going with a high school team that was also on the flight.

By the time we started boarding I put my phone away, and put an arm around her.

“Now m’lady. We are about to be spending a couple hours on a plane together. I’ll see if I can move around to sit with you, but first.” I grinned like a hyena. “Will you kiss me ‘cause I’m Irish?”