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Kiss me ’cause I’m Irish

You are sitting at a bar in an airport, and for your amusement decide to pretend to be some other nationality. You bump into a stranger, who says they are from there, as well. It will be three hours before your flight, and you decide to keep up appearance

Audio for this story can be found here: Now with goofy over the top Irish accents! http://clyp.it/qf1rndbj

It looks like me and that cute girl are both on the same flight from Baltimore to Dublin. She’s got a bit of red hair, and call me racist, but she looks Irish. What the heck, let’s give this a shot.

“Top ‘o the mornin’ to ya’ Lassy.” I say as I sit down next to her at the terminal.

“I believe ‘ya mean afternoon.” She responds back.

“Well as long as the sun is shinin’ my heart’ll be warmed.” She gave me a flat stare. A normal guy would’ve probably given up, but I was not an ordinary guy, and had been shot down way harder before. “We’re only a few hours away from being back in the emerald isle lass. Don’t be making a rainy day of it.” She relented a bit and turned towards me.

“’Scuse me for a second m’lady I believe I’m getting an urgent text.” I pull open my phone and open the Wikipedia page for Ireland.

“Everything alright?” She asks, even going so far as to look a little concerned.

“I believe so, me brother gone and bashed his head in a bar fight last week, and my sister’s in the hospital updating me.” She nodded.

“So whose your favorite soccer team?” She asked. Thankfully I was still looking at my phone. I scrolled around furiously. Soccer team, soccer team,

“Oh saints preserve me they’re going in for surgery.” I said to buy more time to look at my phone. Politics, Geography, Cultre, aha sports! What the heck is Gaelic football? Says it’s the most popular, let’s see if we can change the subject.

“I’m not a fan of the main stream sports. But I do follow Kerry a good bit, have you heard of Gaelic football my bonny lass?” While she responded I also opened a tab on head wounds so i could BS about my imaginary brother`s surgery.

“Can’t say that I have. Guess that’s just me being a city girl who spends too much time among the yanks.” I nodded and smiled. Jackpot!

For the next three hours I flipped furiously between my phone and her, building up the tension and the fun by demonstrating how the game is played with some starbucks cups. We eventually got a whole match going with a high school team that was also on the flight.

By the time we started boarding I put my phone away, and put an arm around her.

“Now m’lady. We are about to be spending a couple hours on a plane together. I’ll see if I can move around to sit with you, but first.” I grinned like a hyena. “Will you kiss me ‘cause I’m Irish?”

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Good Morning Earth 623!

Nerds and artists take over the world after everyone is given superpowers based on imagination.

Audio for this story can be found at: http://clyp.it/5ryy2uei

“Thought projection radio is here to tell you Goooooood Morning Earth 623! It is a bright sunny day in this pocket universes biggest city! Let’s get down to news. In politics Eminem, the god of the rap dimension, is stopping by the president of the Universes’ office in order to ‘stop all the haters’. In science Unidan is still cloning himself. The petition to expel him into his own new universe has reached 2 billion signatures, but he’s multiplying faster than we can recruit. Breaking Benjamin has suggested we wait for superman, but that hasn’t worked since all the superman keep dying since all the rooster teeth fans turned the sun red. In sports the new England Bengals have found a way to cheat at Calvin ball. This was not thought possible in a game without rules, but the head coach solved this by making some. Lastly, we would like to once again thank all the babies everywhere for not crushing us with their infinite imaginations.”

Going to hell

Hell is real, and everyone goes there when they die. Audio of this story can be found at: http://clyp.it/pr413b1i Things had gone cold, numb, and dark, and then suddenly reversed themselves. I was laying down, now I was standing up, and it was as bright as summer at midday, and warm too. My closed eyes were opened and I saw a great line of people stretching forward toward a gate. I did it. I had died. Now I was on my way to my eternal reward. I looked up at the heavenly gate, and saw inscribed in gold above it ‘Abandon all hope ye who enter here’. There must be some mistake! I had lived a good life, I had followed the commandments, never missed a church service. I was a good man! I tried to turn around and walk away, but my feet kept taking me forward, and I couldn’t look away. It was like some great hand was pushing me towards this eternal fate. I now saw there were great fires roaring above the gates, and could hear distant sounds and awful sounds. “It’s alright son.” A middle aged man in front of me said. “We are all going to the same place.” “It can’t be!” I shouted back to him. “It can’t!” Did he say we all go to the same place? “Did you say we all go to the same place!” He nodded. “That’s right son.” He sounded so calm! How could he sound calm? Didn’t he know where we were going? “Don’t you know where we’re going!” I shouted at him. Again, he nodded, still calm as ever. The sounds were louder now, I could make them out to be screams. We were over halfway to a burning eternity. Without a hint of fear in his voice he responded. “We are all going together. That’s how it’s always been. That’s how it always will be.” I couldn’t believe this. Hell was here, that means god existed right? Did he have such high standards? Did he think no one was worth saving? “But why?” I demanded of him. “Is no one saved from this.” The man shook his head. How could he not be weeping with terror from this? “It’s not so bad.” The man told me in a level voice. “We’ll all be there together.” He sounded comforted by the thought, and yet. As he said this, my fear lessened, just a hair. Part of me had feared that hell meant being separated from everyone, being alone forever. Now, if what this man said was true, I would have company. Would that be so bad? “Does that mean my parents will be here?” I asked him. “And my wife? And the three children she lost before she could carry them to term?” He nodded. My heart rose. I still dreaded what was coming, but it was more like the fear of getting on a roller coaster. You dreaded the moment, maybe even feared for your life, but it wasn’t the worst thing. We were almost to the gate now, and I could pick out individual voices. In a minute it would be all over. “Have faith friend.” The man in front of me said. Have faith? In what? In god? He had sent us all here. I couldn’t imagine why I should have faith in him. He had forsaken us. “Why has god forsaken us?” I asked my friend. We had reached the gates now, and it was my friend’s turn to step into the fire. He turned around, and held out his hands to me. I gasped. There were holes from nails in both of his hands. I could move my head now, and looked down to see holes in his feet as well, and I knew that face. It didn’t look exactly like it did in the movies, but it was close enough to be recognizable. “Jesus.” I said, my voice low. I felt like I should kneel or something. He had said everyone comes here, and I didn’t realize that included god’s own son. “Come friend.” He told me. I looked into his face. It would be alright. I realized. Here was a man willing to die for me, and then take me by the hand to eternal damnation. “You know what.” I told him, reaching out to take one of his hands and step into the fire. “I think I would rather spend eternity burning with you, then one day in heaven by myself.” Jesus smiled at my words as we stepped forward, and I felt an intense burning sensation that made we want to cry out. This was it, an eon of pain. Then it vanished. I felt a cool pleasant breeze and something soft beneath my feet. I looked down and saw not fire, but a cloud. I looked up to see the face of Jesus again. His smile had broadened. “All those times you went to church. You weren’t choosing between fire or clouds.” He told me. “You were choosing between yourself and me. So when I bled out and descended to the dead. I returned the favor and chose you over me.” He swept his hand outward to show a vast expanse of gold robed figures on clouds that were assembled like a football stadium as far and as high as the eye could see. “And so did all these people choose others before themselves.” I marveled at the expanse of it, and I now felt that the breeze had a spirit to it that warmed me, and there was now an older man at my side putting his hand around my shoulder. “Let us go together.” The old man told me in the most reassuring voice I ever heard. “You chose an eternity with us, and you shall have it. All our family and friends are right this way.”

The choice

Audio version of this story can be found at: http://clyp.it/v0ynxlvd

An individual is given a choice. They are either given a week to live where they are able to explore the most amazingly wondrous things and experiences in the universe. And to do something incredibly meaningful. Or they can continue on with the rest of their life as it is.

Meaning, or life, that was the question. So many people asked about the meaning of life, that was no longer relevant for me. The mysterious white robed individual before me was being very tight lipped about the details. He wouldn’t say where we would go, or what we would do, only that the places would be wondrous, and the things meaningful.

Meaning, or life. A week to live, wasn’t much time. I would never get to meet true love, watch my children grow up, or even graduate college for that matter. What would my parents say? I had two of the most loving people in the world to call mother and father, and they would now be forced to bury their own child. I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like.

But the places I would see! Could it be we would travel to the center of a black hole? Or to another world with an alien civilization? I gazed around at the white mountain top temple I had found this white robed wish granter in. The place was vast and ancient, it certainly seemed to be able to deliver wondrous things. I gazed piercingly at the mysterious figure whose arms were crossed and whose eyes were unblinking. I would get no answers from him.

Meaning or life. I would also do something wonderful, cure cancer, solve world hunger, create a lasting international peace. I would cause pain to a few yes, but so much joy to so many. For that reason alone I must choose meaning or life. My life’s goal was to have meaning, so really there was no choice.

Meaning it was then. The wish granter didn’t need me to speak, he had read my mind, and nodded before snapping his fingers.

The week flew by in a flash, but not how I had anticipated it. There were no scientific wonders or spectacular views. The first place I saw was a California beach. No future technology, no aliens, just a regular beach. I waited for a second to see if Poseidon would rise up for the depths or something, but nothing happened.

The white man and I were sort of hovering halfway out into the ocean like a couple of ghosts that no one could see. I was about to ask him for a refund, until I heard a cry for help from far out in the ocean, and a young man streak out into the waves.

I looked to see where the cries for help came from, and saw a lady about a hundred yards out, being pulled by a riptide. She was losing her strength and starting to sink when the young man reached her, and pulled her up. He could barely keep the two of them afloat, much less bring them back into shore, and the riptide was pulling them further out.

I wanted to cry out for someone to help them, thankfully the lifeguard on duty had seen the whole thing and had sent for help. A small raft was making its way towards them.

Just like the young man the boat arrived just in time. Unfortunately there was only one seat on the boat, which the heroic man gave to the woman. I bit my lip as he began to visibly struggle to stay afloat.

The man continued being pulled further out to sea. By the time the boat made it back, the hero had went under.

The entire week I didn’t see a black hole, or an alien civilization. I saw medals of honor being earned, husbands sacrificing themselves for their wives, wives sacrificing themselves for their children. I saw proposals, births, weddings, and also funerals, and deaths. At the end of the week I knew I had truly seen some of the most incredible things that had ever happened.

I had no regret when the seventh day had passed and I turned to my escort and asked him. “Alright, I’m ready, what am I to do.” For an answer, he snapped his fingers.

I found myself on a California beach, and heard a woman being carried out by a riptide cry for help.